Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore

Author:Joanne Cacciatore
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wisdom Publications

24

Telling Family and Friends What We Need

She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER

THERE IS NO QUESTION that, for many, grief and the sense of isolation and loneliness amplifies during special occasions, like baby showers, graduations or weddings, and on holidays.

One grieving mother with whom I worked couldn’t tolerate baby showers, even years after the death of her newborn son. She described it like this: “I tried going to one shower . . . my sister’s . . . to save family harmony. But I found myself thinking of my own son, how it would be to have him here, imagining him as a toddler now, and I felt so alone and empty . . . I had to leave in tears. I felt like people could see through me, like they knew I was the ‘bad luck’ of new moms . . . it was unbearable.” And so, for her, saying she was not going to baby showers until she felt more ready was a perfectly acceptable act of caring for herself.

Self-care also means saying no when necessary. When grieving, we need to give ourselves permission to put our own needs first for a while.

It is okay, perhaps even necessary, to turn down invitations to events, cut back on holiday celebrations and the seemingly obligatory decor, and it’s okay to ask for help with child family members who may also be grieving. Stress often increases during special occasions, and this naturally distracts us from self-care. Being aware of this tendency to neglect ourselves can help us in staying more vigilant. It’s the simplest, hardest thing we can do for ourselves: eat nourishing food, drink plenty of water, have a reasonable sleeping and resting schedule, and significantly limit, if not eliminate, alcohol, caffeine, and other drug consumption.

Part of our practice might be thinking through what might feel right to us, a self-care “wish list” to share with others during these times.

Melody lost her baby, Tristan, on Christmas. I met her the next year, the week before his birthday, on December 20. While the rest of the world was celebrating good cheer and reindeers, she was agonizing over what should have been his first birthday.

Often fear gets in the way of others approaching us, and this adds pain to our pain. With this in mind, together we created her personalized list that she sent out to her family.

Melody’s Christmas Wish List

1. I wish to share my emotions openly and honestly to help you understand how I feel in this moment. It changes, day-to-day, season-to-season. So ask me to share how I feel when we get together. And if you’re wondering, “Should I talk about Tristan or not?” then just ask me what I need today.

2. Rituals are very helpful for me, especially new ones. Help facilitate new rituals for us. A few ideas, for

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